I felt a pang of sadness right in my solar plexus when I read on the Daily Beast that Donald Trump's 70th
birthday today "has gone almost completely
ignored." So, to pay tribute to his entry into septuagenarian territory,
I've culled 70 of the stupidest, most awful things he's said or done.
Out of fairness, I didn't even include "bigly."
Out of fairness, I didn't even include "bigly."
Have a Dumb Donald beer and enjoy. Can't wait till he turns 100!
In no particular order, but with some semblance of categorization, Donald Trump has:
1. Complimented the Hawkeye State with: "How stupid are the people of Iowa?"
2. Blamed a "young intern" for an anti-Iowa retweet
3. Called Mexicans rapists
4. "Violated" (and possibly raped) his own wife, though now she's walking that back (a bit)
5. Insisted an American federal judge born and raised in Indiana can't do his job because of his Mexican heritage
6. Continued to blather on about an immoral, financially foolhardy, and probably illegal wall he's going to erect to keep those aforementioned Mexicans out
7. Called for a ban of members of an entire religion from entering the US
8. Made light of his own racism on SNL, because ha-ha, racism is hilarious
9. Said he'd "certainly" put in place a mandatory database and possibly a form of ID (just like in Nazi Germany!) to track Muslims in the US
10. Slammed University of Missouri protestors demonstrating against racist incidents on campus, calling them "disgusting" and "disgraceful"
11. Been sued, along with his father, Fred Trump, by the Justice Department for housing discrimination
12. Pretended he's a man of the Bible (he is obviously not a man of the Bible)
13. Pretended he has a good memory about 9/11 (he obviously does not have a good memory about 9/11)
14. Pretended he knows history (he obviously does not know history)
15. Pretended he understands medicine and science (he obviously does not understand medicine and science)
16. Asserted the world would "100 percent" be a better place if Saddam Hussein and Muammar Gaddafi were still in power
17. Denigrated working mothers: "She’s not giving me 100%. She's giving me 84%, and 16% is going towards taking care of children"
18. "Told it like it is" regarding his 1-year-old daughter Tiffany's breasts and how he'd probably bang his daughter Ivanka if she weren't his daughter
19. Said it's "disgusting" when women go to the bathroom
20. Claimed life is easier for women who wear burkas because they "don't have to put on makeup"
21. Called Rosie O'Donnell a "fat pig," "slob," and "disgusting animal" during a GOP presidential debate
22. Referred to the DNC chair as a "crazy," "highly neurotic woman"
23. Lamented that Heidi Klum "is no longer a 10"
24. Said debate moderator Megyn Kelly had "blood coming out of her wherever"
25. Poked fun at a female presidential candidate's face
26. Said women should be punished for abortion, then took it back hours later
27. Made an unseemly attempt to horn in on the American Dream pageant, allegedly harassing and groping a female pageant organizer and trying to keep black women out of the pageant
28. Treated women he's worked with, and overall, like objects
29. Said dozens more horrible and sexist things here!
30. Arrived home and exited his limo as "Hail to the Chief" blasted in the background, as revealed by his own longtime butler
31. Said one of the few reasonable things he's said by disavowing said butler, who it turns out is actually a pretty racist, extremist dude who's called for President Obama to be killed (c'mon, one fist-pump for Trump—it is his birthday!)
32. Kept insisting, to the point of ridiculousness, on seeing the American-born Obama's birth certificate and implied the president is some kind of "Muslim Manchurian candidate" (as Salon puts it), because that makes sense
33. Wielded his "birther libel" against Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio
34. Compared Ben Carson to a "child molester" (then added him to his VP selection committee, then disappeared him)
35. Tweeted (then deleted) that Jeb Bush must "like Mexican illegals" because of Bush's wife, Colomba, who came to the US legally from Mexico
36. Kept it classy by retweeting a meme that showed an unflattering picture of Ted Cruz's wife, Heidi, next to a glamorous shot of his own wife, Melania
37. Hired the charming Corey Lewandowski to head up his campaign
38. Greeted a female reporter's allegations that Lewandowski grabbed and injured her at a rally with: "How do you know those bruises weren't there before?" and "Perhaps she made the story up, I think that’s what happened." (Lewandowski did grab her, it was proven, despite his attempts to paint her as "delusional")
39. Said he "always felt that I was in the military" because...he went to military boarding school
40. Mocked former POW John McCain with: "He’s not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren't captured"
41. Issued an oddly enthusiastic statement about waterboarding: "I love it. I think it's great!"
42. Said of a Black Lives Matter protester at one of his rallies: "Maybe he should've been roughed up"
43. Offered advice to the crowd at another rally on how to deal with protesters: "Knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously. Okay? Just knock the hell—I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees"
44. Reiterated his offer to pay legal fees when a man at a March rally sucker-punched a protester
45. Backed out of his offer to pay the sucker-puncher's legal fees
46. Reacted initially to reports that two men who beat up a Latino homeless man were inspired by him with: "People who are following me are very passionate"
47. Remarked that he could "stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters"
48. Made fun of a reporter's disability
49. Insisted he would never eat Oreos again. (What kind of monster says that?!)
50. Publicly made fun of Chris Christie's weight by telling him to lay off the Oreos
51. Eaten pizza—with a fork and knife! WITH SARAH PALIN!
52. Taken time out of more pressing matters to offer sage advice to Robert Pattinson regarding his relationship with Kristen Stewart
53. Acknowledged he's a climate-change denier—even though (shhh) he's really not
54. Responded to compliments from Vladimir Putin with: "It is always a great honor to be so nicely complimented by a man so highly respected within his own country and beyond"
55. Has given North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un props for the "incredible" way in which he takes out his enemies
56. Spoken eagerly of his well-thought-out foreign policy strategy, specifically regarding ISIS: "I would bomb the shit out of them!"
57. Said he'd also carry out the illegal action of taking out militants' family members, then said he wouldn't—all within 24 hours
58. Ripped off hundreds of workers—the working men and women he claims to be a champion of—by not paying them for said work
59. Profited from the casinos he bankrupted, all at others' expense
60. Defrauded vulnerable students out of tens of thousands of dollars via the "lie" and "massive scam" that is Trump University
61. Gone on a tone-deaf boast in front of millions of working Americans by saying his dad only gave him a "small loan" of $1 million to kick off his business ventures (and that claim was a bit of a stretch)
62. Had at least four company bankruptcies, despite his deflection of saying he's never personally filed for bankruptcy
63. Made America great again and cheated his way out of paying into union pension funds by hiring Polish immigrant workers, who worked for low wages and for long hours, to build Trump Tower
64. Been linked to organized crime
65. Racked up a couple of other business-related scandals
66. Given a shout-out to himself for "being right" about the deadliest mass shooting in recent US history
67. Pegged mass shooters in general as being "geniuses in a certain way"
68. Said patrons in dark nightclubs and untrained in emergency situations blindly firing their own guns off in an alcohol-fueled late-night shootout would have led to a better outcome in both Paris and Orlando
69. Revoked press credentials of media organizations—including the New York Times and the Washington Post, which broke the Watergate scandal—when he doesn't like their coverage
70. Had an appetite for destruction when it comes to evidentiary emails—and a twitchy "delete" finger. He may have to back off of "Killery" on this one.
(Bonus blog post: Read my short story "Ronald T. Dump and the Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Loser Day"!)
Tweets and treats at @jenngidman.
