Day 76: First Rule of Warrior Dash—Don't Talk About Warrior Dash

This will be my ultimate reward.

Before I plunge headfirst into this training regimen for Warrior Dash, I figured I should set some ground rules for my Warrior-in-Training workflow. I only have 76 more days to prepare for this feat, so I have to ensure I'm in fighting shape for the big day. Allow me to refer to myself in the third person for effect:

• The Warrior Housewife will make every concerted effort to run four to five days a week in anticipation of the Main Event. Said activity may take place on the treadmill during inclement weather or periods of high heat, or outdoors in inclement weather or periods of high heat to simulate the physical agony of the Warrior Dash. If ambition strikes, the Warrior Housewife will erect a pile of tires and a line of fire pits in the backyard over which to hurdle for good measure.


• For the duration of the summer, the Warrior Housewife will consume lite beer only. She may indulge in a frothy, sweet, carb-loaded Guinness only upon crossing the Warrior Dash finish line at approximately noon on September 19.


• Along these same dietary lines, the Warrior Housewife will cease and desist all ennui-induced noshing that usually occurs after 9 p.m. while watching really bad reality TV. Fruit, yogurt, cereal, and other light snacks are permissible; ice cream sundaes and Taco Bell runs are forbidden, except in extreme emergencies (as long as we keep to the "extreme" theme, it's all good).


• So as to prevent expelling liquids the color of Chernobyl groundwater, the Warrior Housewife will hydrate throughout the day. Luckily, the Warrior Housewife does not indulge in soda or mocha frappuccinos or anything too sweet because she can't stand things that are too sweet, so water and unsweetened iced tea will be a fine remedy. Iced coffee is allowed in excess to get her through her warrior day.


• Real warriors don't hit snooze buttons. Hence, the Warrior Housewife will be permitted just one rotation of nine precious minutes after the alarm goes off (she may enjoy the cold turkey they're serving at the finish line, but don't expect the Warrior Housewife to just exorcise all her bad habits cold turkey). One morning a week, the Warrior Housewife will be permitted to turn OFF her alarm and attempt to sleep past 7am, even though we all know that, in reality, this will never happen because of the little bodies who end up in her face demanding Eggo waffles and bacon at the crack of dawn.


• The Warrior Housewife will undergo a complete psychological overhaul to hone the mental toughness that is required for this type of activity. In other words, she will need to quit her bellyachin', put on her big girl panties, and refrain from entering the Self-Pity Mode in which she occasionally wallows.


• The Type-A-confirmed Warrior Housewife will seek to achieve more balance in her life and to take better care of herself. In other words, no more work after midnight, a valiant attempt to get at least seven hours of sleep a night, and at least one night off to do nothing but veg. Forgive the motivational-speaker-speak, but it's that whole putting on your oxygen mask first in the plane as you're plummeting toward the earth: You can't help anyone else unless you help yourself first.

I'm sure that the Warrior Housewife will find more rules to add along the way, but these seem like a good, solid foundation to start with.