Monday, December 30, 2013

Doge Is Fate Misnamed


The culmination of watching James Franco in Spring Breakers and reading Frank Bidart was stumbling upon this clip of good friends Franco and Bidart visiting a mausoleum together, meaning:—

...there is no such thing as accident.


Metaphysical Doge

4chan, which usurped what Homestar did
not as an act of canine

imitation, but in Comic Sans defiance—

Much manipulations, many hashtagging
ensure Shibe is shared, so wow till

his masters very retweet him.

How dare t.co 
truncate his body.

Held up to an image of Grumpy Cat, he memed.


Tweets and treats at @jenngidman.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Crossing All the 'Good' Movies Off This List — In Real-Time!

Nebraska was here in the "best of 2013" spot  for four weeks. 
Then came Her.

I like to watch movies. I also like to make lists and cross things off those lists. I'm going to see all the "good" (read: majorly hyped) movies of 2013 over a relatively short span of time. I'm going to feel all the feels that accompany those movies. I'm going to drink all the coffee (I don't like popcorn too much). Then I'm going to cross those movies off the list. Then probably take a bathroom break from all the coffee. Brief thoughts about said movies will be added shortly thereafter. 

Here's the list.

12 Years a Slave
In total agreement with everything everyone (except Armond White) has been saying about this movie, especially regarding Chiwetel Ejiofor. Two notes to add:

• Not too many people are mentioning Sean Bobbitt, the director of photography who beautifully helped realize Steve McQueen's "unflinching gaze" through stark selective focus, mastery of light and shadow, and uncomfortably extended shots (read more about his M.O. here), so I'm mentioning him.

• The movie is based on a true story, and the Brad Pitt character is integral to the film's resolution, but his scenes seemed unauthentic compared to the rest. Probably because it was Brad Pitt. I don't know. 

The Act of Killing
Jesus H. 

Here's a movie that temporarily shuts down the 'Murica drip and reminds us how nearly every other part of the world is quite different from our own in terrible, unimaginable ways. That Joshua Oppenheimer manages to depict the horrors of the mass killings in Indonesia in 1965 without ever showing an actual act of violence is nothing short of remarkable. The concept is brilliant and surreal (Oppenheimer gets the documentary's protagonists to re-create their crimes against humanity on film, Hollywood-style), the characters are simultaneously likable and horrifying, and the dearth of consequences is astounding — unless you consider Anwar Congo's final scene a consequence of sorts.

My viewing of this was sandwiched between finishing Sherman Alexie's Flight (a time-travel narrative in the style of Slaughterhouse-Five) and starting Crime and Punishment — both complementary bookends to the moral justification and emotional fallout (or lack thereof) of the gangsters in this movie who brutally exterminated their own people. This fact should have no bearing on your own viewing.

All Is Lost

American Hustle
When it comes to long cons, I've always been partial to Hammett and Mamet (House of Games, The Spanish Prisoner). I didn't think I'd be an especially easy mark for David O. Russell's latest effort, especially since I was one of the handful of people who didn't see much of a silver lining in Silver Linings Playbook

But this movie was fucking fun from the feet up, thanks to a Goodfellas-style soundtrack, smart dialogue, exceptional period detail, and stellar performances from its top-tier stars (especially Christian Bale and Jennifer Lawrence). Maybe all the superlatives distract from a lack of any real substance, but who cares. Plus I was unexpectedly attracted to Christian Bale's gut (seriously, that's one sexy, confident gut!). So there's that.

August: Osage County
I wasn't excited about this movie because I knew it would be overacted and overblown and kind of ridiculous. And it was. Its whole was definitely not anywhere near the sum of its fun-to-watch parts. But Terry Letts wrote the screenplay, and I really liked Killer Joe, which he also wrote, so it was worth checking out. I liked it (not loved it), despite its flaws, for its campiness and masochistic one-degree-away-from-being-everyone's-dysfunctional-family quality. 

Hard, bitter Julia Roberts was also a revelation, especially during her rants against the cancer-ridden, Darvocet-addicted Meryl Streep. "Eat your fish, fucker! Eat your fuckin' fish!" just made its way onto my Julia Roberts soundboard.

Before Midnight 
Marathon-watched all three Linklater films in this series over the summer and realized that this is why you need to rewatch this sort of movie every 10 or 20 or 30 years, especially if you didn't appreciate it the first time around. No real surprise, but Before Sunrise and its successors make a lot more sense to a 40-something who's stumbled down the falling in love/marriage/kids/good times/bad times/what happens now? path than to someone just making the turn onto that thoroughfare. Hope they put out a fourth installment so I'll know what to do with it all a few years from now.

Blackfish
Won't dispute the main concepts here: Wild animals should be in the wild, separating whales from their families is cruel and heartbreaking, SeaWorld acts in the interest of profits instead of animal altruism. Plus the trainers interviewed all seemed like decent people on the up-and-up, and SeaWorld was offered the chance to tell its side for this piece and declined. 

But I wish this movie had been a little more even-handed. It's hard for me to get 100 percent behind an exposé that's only showing one heavily slanted side of things. I like to see all the angles and then make my own decision. But it doesn't look good, SeaWorld. No, it does not.

Blue Is the Warmest Color

Blue Jasmine
Cate Blanchett is all that's really memorable from this movie. As it should be.

Captain Phillips
Solid, suspenseful action-thriller. Terrific acting by Barkhad Abdi and Tom Hanks (and I'm no "oh my God Tom Hanks" campaigner). There were some nice touches (no subtitles for the Somali interactions so the audience could feel as disoriented as the captain and his crew, Greengrass' choice to shoot the opening scene in the car between the captain and his wife without ever really showing their mouths moving). Not sure the film belongs in the best pic category, though. 

Dallas Buyers Club
I've been following Matthew McConaughey's upward trajectory for quite some time, so good on you, dude. Hope you get one of those big-time Hollywood awards for this (Jared Leto, too), though you're probably raising those adorbz kids with Camila and playing the bongos and don't even care. Anyone who makes SEVEN really, really good-to-outstanding movies in just two years deserves love. I've seen them all, as well as the eighth movie in his recent compilation, Magic Mike, which was all kinds of meh — but those aren't bad stats.

Keep up the great work. Hope everyone watches True Detectives on HBO, too. You're going places, big guy. Wait. You're already there.

Enough Said
The first third of this movie was the divorced-and-dating version of Celine and Jesse from Richard Linklater's Before series, with authentic conversations and issues that wooing couples of a more mature age realistically face. The second third was basically Julia Louis-Dreyfus' character, Eva, acting like an asshole, while the third third was her character realizing (maybe?) what an asshole she is/was/had been. 

Part of me thinks this was a poignant, funny grownup movie about middle-aged dating and heartbreak, and that part was totally driven by the empathy (not pity) I had for James Gandolfini's Albert. The expressive Louis-Dreyfus perfectly captured her character's insecurities, flaws, and fears, making her one of the more accurate depictions of a divorced mother than we're accustomed to seeing onscreen. But it was hard to root for Eva, a shallow, oblivious, self-centered ball of neuroses who surrounds herself with similarly shallow, oblivious, self-centered friends. I don't get it, A.O. Scott

Fruitvale Station
As soon as I finished watching this, I had to know more about director Ryan Coogler. Got my mind blown by discovering he's only 26. It takes a skilled cinematic hand to suck you into Oscar Grant's world in the 24 hours before he was murdered, yet still manage to gut-punch you with the ending you already knew was coming.

Gravity
Oy. 

OK. Cuarón pulled off a cinematographicsupercalifragilisticexpialidocious feat, at least in terms of how the heck he meshed those visuals into such a stunning look-see. He deserves a best director nod for that alone. Sandra Bullock can act her astronaut ass off when she has to, and I can expertly attest to the aural realism of the film's outer-space sounds: I own this Brookstone sound machine that uses authentic NASA recordings, and the movie sounds JUST LIKE IT. Swear to God. 

But it shouldn't be a contender for best picture. Which means it's probably going to fucking win. George Clooney was given nothing else to do but be George Clooney (go ahead, argue that that's all he should be doing here); the clichéd dialogue made me cringe; and the treacly backstory was unnecessary — it would have been just as captivating and more bearable without the dead child/running away metaphors. But I guess test audiences like that sort of thing.

The Great Beauty

Her
* I haven't seen this yet. But I've fallen in love with a computer. It ended badly. I want to see how Joaquin Phoenix handles it.

** My Twitter review of this movie: "Watching Her was like watching the first 10 minutes of Up over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and o" 

A Toronto Star reviewer's review: "A poignant love story that measures the emotional toll of living too deeply within the virtual world."

Besides that, "devastating" and "revolutionary" are the only words I can use to describe what Spike Jonze pulled off with this film, simultaneously transmitting today's technologically driven loneliness and isolation, as well as all of the universal yet unique emotions we feel when we've felt and lost what we believe is true love. It's the best modern-day love story you'll see for a very long time. 

Why is Joaquin Phoenix not one of the frontrunners during this awards season? Not sure I'd award him the win (there were many fantastic actors in 2013), but this guy performed the incredible feat of holding up his end of an intense relationship onscreen BY HIMSELF for the entire movie.

Inside Llewyn Davis
Much like the Dogfish Olde School barleywine I consumed right before theatering, ILD isn't something you can expect to fully digest right away. It needs to be savored. Its notes may be obvious, thank to T Bone Burnett, but it has to be more closely scrutinized for a full appreciation of all the other hints. And, after the fermentation process is complete, I think Inside Llewyn Davis will be considered one of the best of the Coen Brothers' creations.

Most of all, this movie needs to be respected — it might go down real smooth (and give the erroneous impression that it's one of the Coens' more straightforward efforts), but it will sneak up on you, disarm you, and resonate long after the snifter has been depleted. If you've ever thought you had what it takes, there's going to be a bit of an aftertaste. It's the Coen Brothers, though. You should have known this would be the case going in. 

Labor Day

Long Walk to Freedom

Nebraska
This is not a perfect movie. If I go back and watch it a second time, I'm sure I can find those slight imperfections. But its imperfections, in combination with its perfections, are what makes it perfect. It is This Year's Perfect Movie. Contradictions abound.

Don't want to take my word for it? Need more tangibles? June Squibb. Bruce Dern. Will Forte. The simple, nothing-happens-but-everything-happens story. Authentic, funny, heartbreaking dialogue. June Squibb. Bruce Dern's eye-acting. The beautiful black-and-white cinematography. The secondary and tertiary characters who complete the movie. It's the whole package. Trust me.

Philomena
Steve Coogan did nicely here in his myriad writing, acting, and producing duties. It was nice to see him take a more dramatic turn, and Judi Dench can act like a boss without saying a word. Best picture, though? It was a nice story, but I don't think so. See how many times I said "nice"? It never really went beyond that. Get on with The Trip 2, please.

Rush

Spring Breakers
On the fence whether I really liked this movie for upending the spring break genre or hated it for its knock-you-on-your-butt existential dread. I already have a surplus of existential dread; I don't need any more of that shit. Either way, James Franco (yes, James Franco) was a fascinating spectacle, especially if you watch interviews with Riff Raff, the rapper/drug dealer on which Franco's character, Alien, is based. 

You don't have to dig too deep to pull a Rob Ager and draw an Alien/Charles Manson parallel. Watch an old clip of Chuck ranting to Geraldo or Diane Sawyer, then compare and contrast with Alien's diatribes. I've never been able to erase from my mind the scene of the Manson Girls holding hands and singing as they entered the LA Courthouse, the same way I'll never hear Britney Spears' "Everytime" ever again without thinking of the most haunting, beautifully shot scene from this movie. OK, I guess I did like this movie after all. It's not leaving me.

Stories We Tell

The Wolf of Wall Street
* Tried to see this on New Year's Eve day. 

   Told to pay a $4.50 upcharge to see it as a Regal RPX theater "experience." 

   Replied that the regular theater experience was fine, thank you. 

   Told it was only playing in the RPX theater. 

   Paid the extra cash. 

   Sat down in a cushy leather seat I assume was part of the "experience." 

   Became immediately suspicious because the audio was blaring but there was no picture on the screen. 

   Became even more suspicious when the trailers started and there was still no picture.

   Tried to fend off seizures as the same picture of Mark Wahlberg flickered on and off during The "Lone Survivor" trailer. 

   Watched with great interest as the social experiment of "who is going to get up and tell the theater people that the projector isn't working" began. 

   Mulled over what "RPX" might stand for but gave up after "Ruins People's... ." 

   Watched with great compassion as a sad-looking theater manager who was a cross between my old AOL boss and Mayim Bailik from Blossom came in to inform everyone that the projector was broken and we could pick another movie or get a free ticket, plus a comp ticket for our troubles. 

   Picked up two free tickets. 

   Went home, climbed under the covers, and read for the rest of the afternoon.

** OK, finally saw this. Hated the first five minutes, then forgot for the next three hours I was watching a movie. That's a compliment. It was basically Goodfellas 2 — the main character's voiceover (Jesus, Leonardo DiCaprio even sounded and looked like Ray Liotta in the later scenes), the pacing and setup, the character parallels (Jonah Hill = Joe Pesci; Aunt Emma = the babysitter; Naomi = Debi Mazar) — but whatever. It was highly entertaining. I'll take a Goodfellas facsimile over 90 percent of the other crap out there any day. It just makes it harder to determine if Scorsese has become a little lazy and unoriginal or if he has consciously decided to repurpose more of what the people want to genius effect from here on in.

Wadjda

The Wind Rises

ONE-SENTENCE INCIDENTALS
Bad Grandpa
I laughed at poop and penis jokes. The movie succeeded.

Cyrus
This creepy, dark comedy by the Duplass brothers was surprisingly moving.

Side Effects
Thrillers in which Jude Law gets fucked over are always pretty good — despite its progressively ridiculous storyline, this film was no exception.

Tweets and treats at @jenngidman.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

A Compromise of Sorts II

If you see something, say something. 
Saw something. Didn't say anything. 
Now there's nothing.

Tweets and treats at @jenngidman.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

A Compromise of Sorts

EVERYTHING to nothing.
Ain't that sOmEtHiNg!

Tweets and treats at @jenngidman.

The Motherland

Saudade: so sad.
Sehnsucht: you're fucked.

Tweets and treats at @jenngidman.

Poetree

She loves yew.
She loves yew's knots.

Tweets and treats at @jenngidman.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Things of Interest: The Halloween Issue


Thought about covering a Jack Skellington song, too, but too sad.

Severed fingers, twisted knives, murdered mothers — in others words, here's my unplugged cover of the Jack White song "Love Interruption." It's not perfect, but neither is love.

If you want to see tweeting, @WarriorHauswife is where you should go.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Things of Interest: The Not Interested Issue


It really is. Just not this week for me. It will be next week again.

There was nothing of interest this week. As you were. Which, hopefully, was/is interesting.

I don't want to totally gyp you, though. So here's someone's Tumblr called (coincidentally!) Things of Interest. Nothing is really that interesting here, either, except maybe the waffle smeared in whipped cream and jam, and the Michael Caine pic, which really looks like a Bob Odenkirk pic. It would have been better if they smeared Michael Caine in whipped cream and jam.

If you want to see some more interesting tweets (as in more interesting than this, not additional interesting tweets, because this post is neither interesting nor a tweet), @WarriorHauswife is where you should go.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Things of Interest: The 'Do You See What I See?' Issue


Do you see him? Do you see Frankenstein's monster? No? 
You're the monster, then.

It probably should faze me more than it does that when I stare at my bathroom tiles, I see monsters and ghouls. Lots of them. And not just because it's Halloween season. I see these all year round.

Counting the one up top, here are eight of my favorite bathroom bogeymen and one creepy baby. I may start charging soon (a Long Island Medjugorje!), but you get these gratis.


This grotesque, sad corpse face with blood streaming out of its eyes watches me take a shower every day. That's not why the blood is streaming out of its eyes SHUT UP.


Here's an Uncle Fester zombie of sorts looking toward the right side of the tile.


This is like one of those Seinfeld pictures that you have to keep staring at till you see it. If you're successful, the payoff is great: You'll spy Nosferatu.


Here's the creepy baby I promised you. His profile is emerging from the left-hand side of the frame, his creepy baby mouth open and catching flies. He's got a little pug nose.


This creature looks like an amalgam of some beastly hound and Gary Oldman as Dracula. Not when he was hot Dracula — when he was big-haired old Dracula. 

Additional context:



Zuul from Ghostbusters is there. Right in the middle. 
HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THAT?!

This is Zuul, in case you've forgotten:



Another Frankenstein monster — gah!!!!


The scariest tile of them all: the one smeared with blue Crest Kids toothpaste in the upper-right corner that I now have to clean.

If you want to see some seriously scary tweets, @WarriorHauswife is where you should go.
Credits: J. Gidman

Saturday, October 5, 2013

CEOs Say the Darnedest, Dumbest Things


Remember a couple of weeks ago when Guido Barilla, CEO of the Barilla pasta empire, said something really dumb?

Here’s a recap, ICYMI:

"I would never do (a commercial) with a homosexual family, not for lack of respect but because we don't agree with them,” Barilla said in an interview with Italian radio station Radio 24. “Ours is a classic family where the woman plays a fundamental role. … [If gays] like our pasta and our advertising, they’ll eat our pasta; if they don’t like it, then they will not eat it and they will eat another brand.”

He's not the only honcho with foot-in-mouth disease. Here are the dumbest things that 20 other CEOs have said.

Let’s hope pasta is not prologue. Stop saying dumb things, CEOs.

HEY, FATTIES! AND UGLIES!

“[We] hire good-looking people in our stores. Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don’t market to anyone other than that. … A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong.”
—Abercrombie & Fitch CEO/Jocelyn Wildenstein impersonator Mike Jeffries

“[In England], the food is terrible and the women are not very attractive. Here in Chicago, the food is good, and you are known for good-looking women.”
—Former Burger King CEO Bernardo Hees in a 2011 talk at the University of Chicago

HEY, DUMMIES!
 “Please respond, Pasquale, but we owe him nothing as far as I’m concerned. Let him tell the world how bad we are. He’s never flown us before anyway and will be back when we save him a penny.”
—Spirit Airlines CEO Ben Baldanza in indignant response to a complaint from a first-time customer (which he accidentally also emailed to the customer himself)

“We think Mrs. McLeod should pay … for being so stupid.”
—Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary in response to customer who complained about being charged $375 dollars to print out boarding passes

“They trust me … dumb fucks.”
—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg in IM to a friend about early users of his social media site

OK COMPUTER
·       “Customers do not want online games." 
·       Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata
·        
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home." 
—DEC CEO Ken Olsen

WORKER AND PARASITE

Really, the entire memo to his employees is a must-read, especially if you’re seen The Queen of Versailles, but this quote in particular from Westgate Resorts CEO David Siegel is amazing:

“When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I, unfortunately, do not have that freedom.”
—Westgate Resorts CEO David Siegel

THE IDIOT DEFENSE
“We didn’t know who to hire. I wouldn’t be able to recognize a good technology person — anyone with a good bullshit story would have gotten past me.”
—Former Universal Music Group CEO Doug Morris regarding the music industry’s myopia about the threat of MP3s (and his own total cluelessness about technology)

“I know what I don’t know, and to this day I don’t know technology, and I don’t know accounting and finance.”
—Former WorldCom CEO Bernie Ebbers

FUNNY MONEY
“This is not the Soviet Union. This is the United States of America. That’s what I remember. Guess what ... it’s a free. Fucking. Country.”
—Chase CEO Jamie Dimon regarding people blaming big banks for the financial crisis

“I, like you, get a little incensed when you think about how much all of you do, whether it’s volunteer hours, charitable giving we do, serving clients and customers well. [Critics] ought to think a little about that before [they] start yelling at us.”
—Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan at a 2011 employee meeting discussing all the “haters”

“[The uproar over bonuses] was intended to stir public anger, to get everybody out there with their pitchforks and their hangman nooses and all that — sort of like what we did in the Deep South [decades ago]. And I think it was just as bad and just as wrong.”
—AIG CEO Robert Benmosche comparing public outrage over AIG awarding bonuses to its executives to lynchings in the South

OTHER THINGS SAID OUT LOUD
“Today, with cameras as pervasive as they are, there’s no such thing really as professional photographers.”
—Yahoo! CEO Marissa Mayer at 2013 press conference

 “I always say counterfeits, we’re happier to have them than not have them. Don’t you think it’s sad for a brand that no one wants to copy them? … [Something] else about counterfeits is that they provide a source of labor and income for lots of other people. So maybe they’re not totally bad.”
—Prada CEO Patrizio Bertelli on Bloomberg Television

 “Nevertheless, whilst [smoking] is addictive, it is not that hard to quit.”
—Former Philip Morris CEO Louis C. Camilleri’s statement while addressing a 2011 shareholder’s meeting

“I’m sleeping well at night knowing this was not a serious matter.”*
—American Apparel CEO Dov Charney in response to outcry about American Apparel capitalizing on Hurricane Sandy by holding sales for “bored” customers in states affected by the natural disaster

“The one opinion, which I think is extreme, is represented by the NGOs, who bang on about declaring water a public right. That means as a human being you should have a right to water. That’s an extreme solution. [The] other view says water is a foodstuff like any other, and like any other foodstuff, it should have a market [value]. Personally, I think it’s better to give foodstuff a market value.”**
—Nestlé CEO Peter Brabeck
** Note: Nestlé has gone to great lengths to clear up the context of this statement. Do with it what you will.

ALMOST THE WINNER
“We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their lives. There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back.”
Former BP CEO Tony Hayward when asked what he had to say to Louisiana residents affected by the largest commercial marine oil spill in U.S. history

“I think the environmental impact of this disaster is likely to have been very, very modest.”
Hayward during a Sky News interview about the disaster

“Yeah, of course I am.”
Hayward to Forbes magazine when asked if he’s sleeping well at night

WINNER!
“Groups with guitars are on the way out.”
Dick Rowe, Decca Records executive, after hearing the Beatles audition in 1962

Credits: Samesame.com.au; clutchmagonline.com; poetry.rapgenius.com; Yahoo Finance/Magnolia Pictures; Perez Hilton