We Need More Words to Describe How F*cking Tired We Are

We live the left. We desperately yearn for the right. 

Whether or not you believe the apparent anthropological hoax that the Inuits have hundreds of words to describe various forms of snow*, it's irrefutable that the English language is seriously lacking when it comes to describing the concept of "tired."

For someone who doesn't get a lot of sleep, I like talking about it a whole lot. How can you not be fascinated (unless you're fast asleep and, therefore, not really thinking about such things) by the concepts underlying this natural suspension of bodily functions and various states of consciousness? I'm constantly on the lookout for stories about our "collective weariness"; every few years I reread my copy of Sleep Thieves. I (not so) briefly considered being a sleep scientist and whiling away my nights in the lab, smacking electrodes onto fatigued patients desperate for their own polysomnographic pronouncements. I also love R.E.M., for what it's worth (the Michael Stipe conglomerate from Athens, not the eyeball-twitching sleep stage, because that's creepy). 

John Lennon, a known insomniac who penned a number of songs that were either directly or indirectly about sleep, was said to have probably been "the laziest person in England" by friend Maureen Cleave. When he wasn't on tour, he reportedly spent his time — if not sleeping — reading, writing, and watching TV in bed.

Here are some obligatory clips:

And:

And:

Toward the noble end of propagating yet another Snopes-worthy list, I've generated all of the different types of "tired" I can think of — maybe not an exhaustive list, but it'll do. It's one of life's cruel ironies that someone who can cull such a categorization also can't drift off without an Ambien (or zolpidem, in my case: I like my sleep meds like my men — generic and cheap!). But such is life. 

Before you venture into my unscientific Exhaustion Index, remember: Don't be offended if you hear me spontaneously shouting out "Myoclonic jerk!" It's involuntary. Chimo!

The List of Tired

Post-Workout Tired
This Tired isn't so bad, because even though your body may be spent, you feel an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and relief that you're not the lazy oaf you thought you were.

Drinking Tired

There are different subcategories of this Tired, including Hangover Tired and Daydrinking Tired, but the basic tenet behind this category is you're too old for this shit and need to switch over to Capri Sun for a while.

Eating Like a Pig Tired

Also known as "Tryptophan Tired," this particular weariness hits after an ample holiday meal. Or after any meal in which you exercise absolutely no self-control. Combine this with Drinking Tired and you've created either a really awesome Tired or a really terrible Tired, depending.

Overtired Tired

Usually afflicts young children. Can also affect young-ish housewives who've spread themselves too thin.

Pre-7 a.m. Tired

Whether I've had two hours or 12 hours of sleep the night before, I never feel good if I have to get up before 7 a.m. EVER. Like, I feel physically sick. This may pose a problem when I have to work 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. for two weeks later this month when my boss goes on vacation, but at least I work at home and no one can see me retching all over my EliteBook 8470p. 

Sick Tired

This is not the same as "Sick AND Tired," which, unfortunately, doesn't meet my strict criteria for a spot on this list. This is the "cough cough stuffy nose cloudy head" Tired that makes you feel like crap and long for your dear, sweet mama and a bowl of chicken noodle.

Really Sick Tired
This isn't just Head-Cold Tired. This is Chemotherapy Tired. This is Depression Tired, where you can't get out of bed, even if you wanted to, because your body physically shuts down — it's not just "in your head." For those enduring this Tired, it's the worst kind of Tired there is and makes the other Tireds look like Wide Awakes.

You Have Newborns and You're Never Going to Emerge From This Black Hole Again Tired

Yes, you will. There will be other kinds of Tired aggressively and obnoxiously vying to take its place, but no matter. This is one mofo you want to be rid of as soon as possible.

Post-Work Tired

All work and little play during the workweek will make me, you, and every other cog in the wheel dull and drained boys and girls.

Reading Jenn’s Blog Posts Tired

Gotcha! No napping on my watch.

Traveling Tired

I can understand the fatigue of driving for 10 hours (I went to school in Buffalo, 400 miles away from Long Island) when you're the DRIVER, but I get just as tired when I'm the passenger (which I usually was, because I didn't get my driver's license till I was 21**). The same goes for long flights, commuter train rides, and Greyhound trips. When I was in ninth grade, my marching band was chosen to perform in Disney World, and during the miserable 24-hour bus ride to Orlando, I succumbed to situational narcolepsy and simply fell asleep in the middle of the aisle. My classmates covered me up with someone's JV soccer jacket and just stepped over me for the rest of the trip. 

Social Media Tired

You decide to kill 10 minutes or so between other, more important life tasks by checking your Facebook or Twitter, and three hours later you're still scrolling down your feed like a zombie, pressing F5 every 30 seconds to see if you've gotten another Candy Crush invite you're going to ignore or if your follower count went up or down. I'm trying to eliminate this kind of Tired from my list, much like I did in the ‘80s and '90s, when I was stricken with Playing Video Games Tired and asked my brothers to wrest the Atari 2600 joystick from my hands if I went over my self-imposed one-hour-per-day limit.

Day-at-the-Beach Tired

Also known as Enter Sandman Tired. You go to the beach, you soak up the sun all day RELAXING, you come home exhausted. I don't know the science behind it, but it's a fact.

Day-of-Beauty Tired

This is somewhat related to Day-at-the-Beach Tired, in that there's no reasonable excuse why you shouldn't actually be reinvigorated after some much-needed R&R. There's no surer way to make your spouse want to punch you in the face than to show up after a five-hour mani/pedi-massage-haircut marathon after he’s been playing Monopoly with the kids all afternoon and say, “I am POOPED!” But, like Day-at-the-Beach Tired, it’s just one of those things that … happens.

All-Nighter Tired

Staying up till dawn to study for a college final or work you had to bring home for a deadline induces this Tired, and it's not pretty. Sometimes there are hallucinations, the number and intensity of which are determined by how much coffee/Red Bull/NoDoz you've consumed.

Introversion-Induced Tired

Extroverts are energized by large groups of people; introverts are drained by them. I enjoy fraternizing, but at any given party, you'll probably find me at some point hiding in the bathroom, muffling the overstimulation and rejuvenating so I can head back out as my regular charming self. I'm apparently not the only one who experiences this peculiar form of social collapse.

Mentally Tired

This is the debilitation that overwhelms you after you've had a tough conversation or unsuccessfully tried to wrap your mind around an unpleasant fact and just want to crawl into bed and not think or deal with life anymore until tomorrow. Besides Really Sick Tired, this is my least-favorite Tired.

Outside-All-Day-Long Tired

This is the Tired I plan on feeling later today. This is the best kind of Tired. This is the Tired that I hope you all feel after a weekend in the sunshine, sheltered from the static. In other words: STOP READING THIS BLOG POST AND GET OUTSIDE.

* Knowing that there really isn't really a word to indicate "a small snowball, preserved in Lucite, that had been handled by Johnny Depp" has proved one of the more disappointing recent events in my life.

** I was lazy and had friends and brothers who drove me around everywhere.

If you want more of me on Twitter, @WarriorHauswife is where you should go.