Bon Anniversaire, Bonehead! 70 Dumb, Horrible, or Ridiculous Things Donald Trump Has Said or Done

I felt a pang of sadness right in my solar plexus when I read on the Daily Beast that Donald Trump's 70^th birthday today "has gone almost completely ignored." So, to pay tribute to his entry into septuagenarian territory, I've culled 70 of the stupidest, most awful things he's said or done. 

Out of fairness, I didn't even include "bigly."

Have a Dumb Donald beer and enjoy. Can't wait till he turns 100! 

In no particular order, but with some semblance of categorization, Donald Trump has: 

1. Complimented the Hawkeye State with: "How stupid are the people of Iowa?" 

2. Blamed a "young intern" for an anti-Iowa retweet 

3. Called Mexicans rapists 

4. "Violated" (and possibly raped) his own wife, though now she's walking that back (a bit) 

5. Insisted an American federal judge born and raised in Indiana can't do his job because of his Mexican heritage 

6. Continued to blather on about an immoral, financially foolhardy, and probably illegal wall he's going to erect to keep those aforementioned Mexicans out

7. Called for a ban of members of an entire religion from entering the US 

8. Made light of his own racism on SNL, because ha-ha, racism is hilarious 

9. Said he'd "certainly" put in place a mandatory database and possibly a form of ID (just like in Nazi Germany!) to track Muslims in the US 

10. Slammed University of Missouri protestors demonstrating against racist incidents on campus, calling them "disgusting" and "disgraceful" 

11. Been sued, along with his father, Fred Trump, by the Justice Department for housing discrimination 

12. Pretended he's a man of the Bible (he is obviously not a man of the Bible) 

13. Pretended he has a good memory about 9/11 (he obviously does not have a good memory about 9/11) 

14. Pretended he knows history (he obviously does not know history) 

15. Pretended he understands medicine and science (he obviously does not understand medicine and science)

16. Asserted the world would "100 percent" be a better place if Saddam Hussein and Muammar Gaddafi were still in power 

17. Denigrated working mothers: "She’s not giving me 100%. She's giving me 84%, and 16% is going towards taking care of children" 

18. "Told it like it is" regarding his 1-year-old daughter Tiffany's breasts and how he'd probably bang his daughter Ivanka if she weren't his daughter 

19. Said it's "disgusting" when women go to the bathroom 

20. Claimed life is easier for women who wear burkas because they "don't have to put on makeup" 

21. Called Rosie O'Donnell a "fat pig," "slob," and "disgusting animal" during a GOP presidential debate 

22. Referred to the DNC chair as a "crazy," "highly neurotic woman" 

23. Lamented that Heidi Klum "is no longer a 10" 

24. Said debate moderator Megyn Kelly had "blood coming out of her wherever" 

25. Poked fun at a female presidential candidate's face 

26. Said women should be punished for abortion, then took it back hours later 

27. Made an unseemly attempt to horn in on the American Dream pageant, allegedly harassing and groping a female pageant organizer and trying to keep black women out of the pageant 

28. Treated women he's worked with, and overall, like objects 

29. Said dozens more horrible and sexist things here! 

30. Arrived home and exited his limo as "Hail to the Chief" blasted in the background, as revealed by his own longtime butler 

31. Said one of the few reasonable things he's said by disavowing said butler, who it turns out is actually a pretty racist, extremist dude who's called for President Obama to be killed (c'mon, one fist-pump for Trump—it is his birthday!) 

32. Kept insisting, to the point of ridiculousness, on seeing the American-born Obama's birth certificate and implied the president is some kind of "Muslim Manchurian candidate" (as Salon puts it), because that makes sense 

33. Wielded his "birther libel" against Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio

34. Compared Ben Carson to a "child molester" (then added him to his VP selection committee, then disappeared him) 

35. Tweeted (then deleted) that Jeb Bush must "like Mexican illegals" because of Bush's wife, Colomba, who came to the US legally from Mexico

36. Kept it classy by retweeting a meme that showed an unflattering picture of Ted Cruz's wife, Heidi, next to a glamorous shot of his own wife, Melania 

37. Hired the charming Corey Lewandowski to head up his campaign 

38. Greeted a female reporter's allegations that Lewandowski grabbed and injured her at a rally with: "How do you know those bruises weren't there before?" and "Perhaps she made the story up, I think that’s what happened." (Lewandowski did grab her, it was proven, despite his attempts to paint her as "delusional") 

39. Said he "always felt that I was in the military" because...he went to military boarding school 

40. Mocked former POW John McCain with: "He’s not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren't captured" 

41. Issued an oddly enthusiastic statement about waterboarding: "I love it. I think it's great!" 

42. Said of a Black Lives Matter protester at one of his rallies: "Maybe he should've been roughed up" 

43. Offered advice to the crowd at another rally on how to deal with protesters: "Knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously. Okay? Just knock the hell—I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees" 

44. Reiterated his offer to pay legal fees when a man at a March rally sucker-punched a protester 

45. Backed out of his offer to pay the sucker-puncher's legal fees 

46. Reacted initially to reports that two men who beat up a Latino homeless man were inspired by him with: "People who are following me are very passionate" 

47. Remarked that he could "stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters" 

48. Made fun of a reporter's disability 

49. Insisted he would never eat Oreos again. (What kind of monster says that?!) 

50. Publicly made fun of Chris Christie's weight by telling him to lay off the Oreos 

51. Eaten pizza—with a fork and knife! WITH SARAH PALIN!

52. Taken time out of more pressing matters to offer sage advice to Robert Pattinson regarding his relationship with Kristen Stewart 

53. Acknowledged he's a climate-change denier—even though (shhh) he's really not 

54. Responded to compliments from Vladimir Putin with: "It is always a great honor to be so nicely complimented by a man so highly respected within his own country and beyond" 

55. Has given North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un props for the "incredible" way in which he takes out his enemies

56. Spoken eagerly of his well-thought-out foreign policy strategy, specifically regarding ISIS: "I would bomb the shit out of them!" 

57. Said he'd also carry out the illegal action of taking out militants' family members, then said he wouldn't—all within 24 hours 

58. Ripped off hundreds of workers—the working men and women he claims to be a champion of—by not paying them for said work 

59. Profited from the casinos he bankrupted, all at others' expense

60. Defrauded vulnerable students out of tens of thousands of dollars via the "lie" and "massive scam" that is Trump University 

61. Gone on a tone-deaf boast in front of millions of working Americans by saying his dad only gave him a "small loan" of $1 million to kick off his business ventures (and that claim was a bit of a stretch)

62. Had at least four company bankruptcies, despite his deflection of saying he's never personally filed for bankruptcy 

63. Made America great again and cheated his way out of paying into union pension funds by hiring Polish immigrant workers, who worked for low wages and for long hours, to build Trump Tower 

64. Been linked to organized crime 

65. Racked up a couple of other business-related scandals

66. Given a shout-out to himself for "being right" about the deadliest mass shooting in recent US history 

67. Pegged mass shooters in general as being "geniuses in a certain way" 

68. Said patrons in dark nightclubs and untrained in emergency situations blindly firing their own guns off in an alcohol-fueled late-night shootout would have led to a better outcome in both Paris and Orlando 

69. Revoked press credentials of media organizations—including the New York Times and the Washington Post, which broke the Watergate scandal—when he doesn't like their coverage 

70. Had an appetite for destruction when it comes to evidentiary emails—and a twitchy "delete" finger. He may have to back off of "Killery" on this one.

(Bonus blog post: Read my short story "Ronald T. Dump and the Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Loser Day"!)

Tweets and treats at @jenngidman. 

A Sunday in Solitude

I drove out to Locust Valley today to give my 91-year-old grandmother another Facebook/Internet lesson. After our visit, I headed over to St. Josephat's monastery—the former John Aldred estate—where I grew up (I lived in a gatehouse on the estate grounds until I was 14, for those not in the know from all of my previous boastful posts). I brought along my new Nikon camera and my cool new Tamron 70-300mm zoom lens and went to town.

I think I did OK for my first time out with a real DSLR—embarrassing considering I've been interviewing photographers for 20-plus years, but I've been busy!  

One thing I've learned from all of the talented photogs I've talked to over the years is that it's important that a photo (or a series of photos) tells a story. What struck me most during this particular monastery visit is how, because the Ukrainian monks don't have the funds for proper upkeep, the estate has fallen into a state of disrepair and disarray. The grass is overgrown; buildings are abandoned; trees lie where they've fallen, knocked down by lightning or nor'easters or felled by rot. I felt overcome with melancholy and sadness strolling on the grounds this time around, knowing that this lovely place where I grew up will probably never return to its former State of Sublime. 

But even in decay, there's beauty, so enjoy—photo tips/comments welcome. Cool links here and here for more info/pics of the estate.

Like the Hotel California: You can check into Peacock Lane, but you can never leave.

Sneaking a peek at the long-abandoned cook's cottage.

Esssssss-curve.

I swear I barely touched the levels in post-processing. The greens were very green.

Outside the library.

I actually desaturated everything in this photo a bit because the greenery was so green that it distracted from the colors of the monument.

Just hangin' with mah growler.

Not great colors here, so went B&W.

Ye olde sundial, catchin' some rays.

Entrance to garden designed by Olmsted Brothers.

I call this felled tree the "Iron Throne."

R2-D2 gazebo, still standing.

Peek-a-boo.

The "Graffiti Tree"—there's even vandalism at monasteries.

I liked the pattern on this tree.

Leading up to the main house.

Beware, all ye who enter.

My old crib.

Overlooking the Sound down the road, with the four remaining columns of the Meudon estate in the midground.

All that's left of the Meudon ruins.

Tweets and treats at @jenngidman. 

Ronald T. Dump and the Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Loser Day

Frankly, I got zero shut-eye last night because I went to sleep with Univision blaring from my iPhone, and I stumbled out of bed like those horrendous idiot kids who always have very low energy. I tripped over the big, fat, beautiful Lego wall I had built in front of my bedroom door, and by mistake I dropped into the toilet the small $5,000 advance on my allowance my dad had given me and it was very unfair and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, loser day.

At breakfast, Benny found a DIY pyramid in his Kellogg's Ancient Grains breakfast cereal box and Carly found a 3D printer in her Farina breakfast cereal box, but in my breakfast cereal box all I found was disgusting breakfast cereal that only fat pigs and slobs would eat and I realized: I am not winning.

I think I’ll move to China. 

In the limo pool to school, Ernie Panders' driver Javier, who actually is a nice guy when he's not raping the phenomenal women in Kew Gardens, let Ernie ride shotgun so he could fix his hair in the passenger-side mirror. What a mess!

Fred Tush and Ike Takeaknee got seats by the window. I said I was being scrunched in the middle. I said I was being smushed. I said: If I don't get a seat by the window, I'm going to be carsick and create a database of you morons and make you wear huge badges so everyone knows you're the worst people in America to share a limo pool with. No one even answered.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, loser day.

At school, Mrs. Marlvankia liked Ann Paul’s picture of a crowded immigrant rescue boat better than my picture of a very strong castle with a moat around it. I complained that we were speaking too much Spanish in Spanish class, and that I wasn't going to play Capture the Refugee Flag anymore unless they made gym class a little shorter, but no one paid attention. My chorus teacher, who is not a smart person at all, said I sang the lyrics to "Make America the Beautiful Great Again" wrong. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, loser day.

I could tell because nasty Ned Ooze told me on the lunch line that I wasn't his best friend anymore. He said that Dick Manscrotum was his best friend and Martin Everyonespalley was his next best friend and that I was only his third best friend, even though every poll I've seen has me beating those other two blowhards big time. I got mad and told Ned he wasn't even born in 10022, he was born in Long Island City, and that I wasn't going to sit with him until he treated me properly, and then I went to go sit with some other kids, who, quite honestly, are also total disasters.

One of those kids had two Christie Cremes in his lunch bag, while another had an amazing steak. Guess whose mother gave her kid Oreos, even though I said I would never eat Oreos again? It didn't matter, though, because I lost my appetite after seeing Ron Basic eat his Sicilian slice in a totally disgusting fashion. It was definitely turning into a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, loser day.

At recess, I saw Mallory Hinton and all the girls celebrating bigly in the sandbox because they had just come back from the bathroom, and I said to Benny, "They shouldn't be allowed back in the sandbox until we can figure out what the hell is going on with their disgusting bladders and butts."

But then they stopped celebrating when the lunch aide came over. I told the lunch aide that they had been celebrating their dirty, disgusting bladders and butts. I said I had a very good memory and had once seen an Enablex commercial on television and that Enablex stopped incontinence, and also all of the bleeding, but the lunch aide didn't believe me. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, loser day.

Then little Marco started going on and on about sending a rocket to the ISS and I thought he said ISIS and I told him I was going to hit him so hard if he didn't stop talking about ISIS and start DOING something about ISIS, and he said he had just gotten a Nerf N-Strike Modulus ECS-10 Blaster for Christmas that would solve everything, but I knew that was a tremendous lie, so I held his head under the water fountain until he promised he wouldn't insult me anymore. He said he was sorry but he also thanked me, because he had been incredibly thirsty.

Next week, I told him excitedly, I'm going to China.

While we were waiting for Javier to pick us up from school, Benny made me fall where it was muddy and I started crying. Carly said I was a crybaby, and while I was punching Carly for saying "crybaby," Benny started stabbing me with his selfie stick, but it hit my iPhone case and Javier pulled up with the car and scolded me for being muddy and fighting. I said, "You're fired!" and he didn't even care.

I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, loser day, I told everybody. No one answered.

When we picked up my dad at his office, he said I couldn’t play with his copying machine, but I forgot and started running off copies of Ned Ooze's birth certificate so I could hand them out on the playground the next day and get him sent to a charter school in the Bronx. Dad also said don’t fool around with his new phone, but I retweeted a few things and I think I called Paris—or maybe it was Germany. Either way, Dad said please don’t pick him up at the office anymore, but to keep me from whining, he said he'd play Monopoly with me later if I agreed I wouldn't buy any affordable rental units for my properties.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, loser day.

Back home, someone in the kitchen whipped up a kale salad with balsamic and pine nuts for dinner, and I hate kale salad with balsamic and pine nuts for dinner. I wanted a taco bowl. There were Bachelorettes on TV who didn't get roses and I hate Bachelorettes on TV who don't get roses. I only like Bachelorettes on TV who get roses. Look at those faces—would anyone give a rose to those faces?!

My bath was too hot—like Mexico!—and I had to wear my Robert Moses footie pajamas. I hate my Robert Moses footie pajamas. He was an unbelievable show-off. Very braggy.

When I went to bed, I'd forgotten to bookmark where I'd left off in Mein Day Campf, so Mom read me Red Fish Blue Fish One Fish Two Corinthian Fish instead. I discovered my wonderful Tom Brady nightlight had burned out. It was the end of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, loser day.

My mom says some days are like that. Even in China. Sad! 

Tweets and treats at @jenngidman. 

Running Through My CD Collection: Day 12

Today's album: Billboard Top Modern Rock Tracks 1990 (Various) 

Length: 41 minutes

Activity: Treadmill walk

What listening to this album made me think of: Where the fuck was I in 1990, because I only know three songs on this album. 

Oh yeah—I was in Buffalo in 1990, getting over a breakup with my first love back home after several years together, immersing myself in Buffalonian and Canadian music like the Goo Goo Dolls and Barenaked Ladies and moe. (mostly via osmosis because Rob and Chuck of moe. lived two rooms down from me in my dorm and I hung out in their room a lot and didn't give a shit whether they stylized moe. with a period or not, just if they had enough Labatt Blue for everyone, and by "everyone" I mean "me").

What I'm saying is I obviously didn't listen to too much of what was on the radio that year while ensconced in my Buffalo bubble.

Review: I can only adequately and fully speak to three songs on this compilation album:

• "Suicide Blonde," INXS: I can speak to this song, but there's not much to say, because I don't care much for it. Early INXS was best, peaking with Kick, which is one of my favorite albums of all time. I don't know if that's because it came out the year I graduated high school and therefore is entwined with all of that idyllic perfection one attributes to one's senior year of high school after much time has passed and selective middle-aged amnesia has taken hold. It's probably just a really excellent album.

• "Birdhouse in Your Soul," They Might Be Giants: This is before Malcolm in the Middle appropriated "Boss of Me," when TMBG was still quirky and so college, and I was so completely enamored that I blew my first pathetic Apple Bank paychecks to check them out at Irving Plaza and Roseland when I came back to the Island from Buffalo for good. It was fun to hear them again; it's been awhile.

• "Here's Where the Story Ends," The Sundays: I know it, but it makes me feel nothing. I thought of nothing. I was nothing.

How I felt after: Not as nostalgic as I'd hoped I'd feel. 

Random fact I learned about this artist/album: I learned nothing.

Why I'm doing this: See Day 1. 


Tweets and treats at @jenngidman.