A Yes/No Interview With Myself About Political Sex Scandals

'Murica — fuck, yeah!

It's been a challenge to make sense of all this political sexytime permeating our already-steamy summer nights. I've got a lot of thoughts swirling around in my brain regarding New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner and San Diego Mayor Bob Filner. As of late, Eliot Spitzer's been able to resist the bewitching pull of the presser, but I've been having half-hearted deliberations about him, too. 

All of these thoughts remain unarticulated and stuck in my head — muddled, broken, and confused, like the smashed mint leaves that are no longer able to gracefully float to the top of the highball tumbler. For the sake of my mental real estate, I'm going to jump-start the therapeutic purging process and interview myself. All answers must be in a yes/no format. These are the rules. I'm about to take the words right out of my own mouth. 

Hello. 
[silently waves]

Ready to do this?

No.

Well, we're doing this. Have you been following all this news about Weiner, Filner, et al.?

Yes.

Are you following it because you think these guys are hot?

No.

Can you see why someone else might feasibly find at least one of them physically attractive?

Yes.

Just not your type?

[blinks] Yes.

At any point over the last week, did you entertain the idea that most pictures of Bob Filner look like they were taken using the "Bulge," "Dent," and "Stretch" filters in Photo Booth?

Yes.

Do you regret this immature activity?

No.

East Coast or West Coast?

[ ... ]

Sorry, rephrase: Are you East Coast?

Yes.

I mean, I know you're on the East Coast, but are you EAST COAST (flashes gang sign)?

Yes.

Does that automatically mean you like Anthony Weiner more than Bob Filner?

[short pause] No.

Let's keep this train of thought going. If you had to rank these three guys from worst to best, relative to each other, would it go Spitzer, Weiner, Filner?

No.

Weiner, Spitzer, Filner?

No.

Filner, Weiner, Spitzer?

Yes.

Did you hear the word "wienerschnitzel" when you were sounding out those names in your head?
Yes.

Can you say "red leather, yellow leather" 10 times fast?
No.

Do you have any valid reasons to explain why you would rank them that way?

Yes and no.

Let's overlook the "and" as a one-off conjunctional slip and move on. Do you think a guy who currently governs a major U.S. city and who has instituted a reign of terror upon the women of that city is marginally worse than a mayoral candidate with a relatively undistinguished political record who should be eliminated from any race of any kind based solely on his utter lack of judgment and understanding of how technology and the Internets works? 

Yes.

Do you think an Anthony Weiner could turn into a Bob Filner if allowed many, many years of unchecked tomfoolery?

Yes.

Do you believe in second chances?

Yes.

Do you believe in even more chances when recipients of these second chances shit all over your second chances?
No.

Do you think most people feel this way?
Yes.

Do you think that there are scores of other men out there who participate in similar activities and that these three very public cases are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg?

Yes.

Did you laugh when I said "just the tip," because SEX SCANDAL?

Yes.

Do you think any of these three men should hold public office?

No.

Is that because you feel bad for their significant others?
No.

Do you feel bad for their significant others?
[ ... ]

You want to say "maybe" or "a little" or "I guess" or "in a human being kind of way" or something like that, don't you?

Yes.

Are you intrigued that Huma, Silda, and Filner's ex-fiancee Bronwyn all have somewhat exotic-sounding names?

Yes.

Should George R.R. Martin create Game of Thrones characters based on them?

No.

Would you stop watching Game of Thrones if he did?
No.

Do you think it's fair to call them "doormats" and "weak" if they stand next to their husbands/significant others at a press-conference podium?

No.

Do you think they're doormats for staying in relationships with these awful men?

[pause] No.

Are you hesitating only because you don't have all of the information and only these women themselves know for sure why they would stay in these relationships with these awful men?

Yes.

So you're curious why they do?

No.

Meaning you have your own problems to worry about.

Yes.

But you are slightly curious, in an US Weekly kind of way.
Yes.

Do you think these women are fair game for any kind of criticism if they stand next to their partners at a press-conference podium and/or speak up in their defense?

Yes.

Do you think that their words and actions have some kind of Sith-like force grip on the brains of the general populace and that their pre-scripted sound bites will go over the heads of most intelligent people who have lived life for more than 20 years?

No.

Do you still think it sends the wrong message?

Yes.

So all of this is the women's fault.
[long sigh] No.

Do you think overall that too much attention is being paid to the women of these awful men instead of to the awful men themselves?

Yes.

But aren't you, in a roundabout way, perpetuating that by including said women in this blog post?

No.

Because you're trying to make some kind of point?

YES.

You're getting testy — let's change direction. Do you think not putting women you work with in headlocks and not asking them to stop wearing underwear to work is something most adult males should know without having to go to intensive therapy?

Yes.

That said, do you think that these men in particular have problems that could benefit from psychiatric assistance?

Yes.

Do you think therapy can be a beneficial thing for many people?

Yes.

Do you think someone who's probably been a sexual predator for close to five decades and is now cheerfully on board to become the "best mayor" he can be through intensive in-patient therapy for a grand total of two weeks (followed by occasional out-patient sessions), yet who refuses to even temporarily relinquish his governmental duties, is really taking this opportunity to unlearn his despicable, "inexcusable" behavior seriously?

Um, no.

You just broke the rules with that "um." That wasn't a necessary conjunction or interjection or whatever form of speech it is. Are you sorry?

Yes.

Do you think that, since that guy we were just talking about has no immediate plans to resign, he understands what the word "inexcusable" really means?
No.

Are you going to buy him a dictionary for his birthday?
No.

Do you even know when his birthday is?
No.

Did you just look it up on Wikipedia out of curiosity?
Yes.

Do you get the impression he's truly sorry?
No.

Can you know that for sure?
No.

Do you hope he gets well in the same way this columnist does?
Yes.

Have you worked recently with any men like this?

No.

Have you in the long-ago past?

Yes.

So you think maybe there's been progress on a generational level?

Yes.

But we still need to do a lot of work, because there are obviously other women who are currently working with men like this.

Yes.

Could you have come up with a better texting name than "Carlos Danger"?

Yes.

Have you tried to make anagrams with all of their names, successfully or otherwise?

Yes.

Are Flib Boner, Zit Spore Tile, and New Train Honey some of those anagrams?

Yes.

Do you know how Anthony Weiner managed to make his penis bigger than his leg in one of his texts?

No.

Will he offer me his mouth?

Yes.

Will he offer me his teeth?

Yes.

Will he offer me his jaws?

Yes.

Will he offer me his hunger?

YES.

Again, will he offer me his hunger?

YES!

And will he starve without me?
YES!!!!!!!

And does he love me?

Yes.

Yes.

[patiently waits]

On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red — whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Did you just psychically manipulate our back-and-forth to compare the fact of men like this working anywhere at all (let alone as public servants, or potential public servants, in positions of power) to the ridiculousness of the entire Meatloaf discography?!

Yes.

Yes! [holds up hand for high-five]

[high-fives]

Are these guys wolves, with red roses or otherwise?

Yes.

Should Duran Duran write a song about them?

No.

Should Liam Neeson kill them?

Yes.

Are you looking forward to the premieres of Breaking Bad and Impractical Jokers?

Yes.

Do you like ice cream?

YES.

I bet you say that to all the boys!

If you want more of me on Twitter, @WarriorHauswife is where you should go.